Change has always been a constant in my life. In my 36 years on this planet, I have moved homes 15 times… mostly as a child. I changed schools 9 times during 12 grades. When this is your life, you learn to not get attached to people or places. No matter where we lived, it never felt like home to me. I knew we would leave soon. Change would sweep through and everything would be different again.

If I wasn’t happy or didn’t like something as a kid, I knew I didn’t have to wait long until everything changed.

My parents always made it seem like an adventure. “Just wait until you see your new room. Isn’t it exciting to go to a new school and make new friends?”  For me, it wasn’t. I was terribly shy and lonely and craved getting out of their house to form some stability for myself. I would have left home at 15 if given the chance.

Fast forward to adulthood…

I kept with the change theme for a while on my own, without realizing that I was. I moved into the dorms at college at 18. Got married at 20. I had kids at 22 and 24. Added a puppy to the mix at 26 and 28 (all while we moved houses 3 more times). We moved into our current home when I was 29. Changed jobs at 30. Lots and lots of change.

Since then, life has been pretty constant. I didn’t want my kids to move schools all the time so we’ve stayed put. They are in 8th and 6th grades and they have seen the same group of kids everyday. They have best friends (something I’ve never had unless you count my husband). They have stability. All while I grow more and more angst-y everyday.

We’ve lived in our home for 8 years, the longest I’ve ever been in one place. I’ve worked the same job for almost 7 years now…  one that I don’t enjoy most days. Life has stayed the same and I’ve realized that I don’t know how to cope with that.

Stability makes me anxious.

I feel like I’m waiting on the ball to drop, like change is waiting for the right minute to attack, when I should be enjoying life.  I don’t know why I can’t wake up and just be happy with where I’m at. I struggle with this everyday. I struggle with this urgent feeling that I’m spinning my wheels here in one place. That I’m going nowhere and my life is fading away before my eyes. I feel completely out of control.

I could do something like adopt another dog. That would change the dynamic of our house. We are talking about relocating this summer before our son starts high school. All of that talk and planning calms me down but I need action on that front. I’ve looked for a new job for almost 2 years now. The right opportunity hasn’t come my way (I am being picky with my search).  I’m back to feeling like 15 year old me longing for something new.

Maybe this quirk will be engrained in me forever. I don’t know. I do wish I could figure out the balance between the two…. stability and change.

 

 

It’s raining here today. I love it. I think I love rainy days more than bright sunny ones. Probably because we have so many bright sunny ones here in Texas.

 

rain

This was my view heading into work today. A perfect rainy day. We have a chance for storms later which is exciting. I love tracking them on the radar. My inner weather geeks starts doing cartwheels.

What is your favorite kind of day?

Sunflowers are my absolute favorite! Where I live they grow like weeds and most people dig them up out of their yards. In my eyes, they are beautiful and perfect.

sunflowers

 

Seeing them always makes me smile.

 

 

Kodaline – All I Want from TIDAL on Vimeo.

I am in love with the song and video today. So much so that it brings a tear to my eyes. I’ve felt lived his disappointment, his hurt and his joy in finding a real connection with someone.

For so many years I felt like I never fit in anywhere… most of my childhood in fact. We moved so much when I was a kid – for years we moved every summer – and I learned early on not to get attached to other kids. What was the point when I would just be moving again and lose them?

The scene played over and over. I was once again the new kid. Once again starting over. Once again trying to figure out where I fit in. It’s hard to find your place when many of the kids have been friends since they started school. It’s hard to compete with that history. Add in being terribly shy and unsure of yourself and you can see how it was just easier to stay on the outside. It felt safer to just watch from the sidelines. Feeling safe is often very lonely and we all reach a point where we need someone else. We can’t go through this life without each other.

I did make friends and I can look back on my school years with affection. I did more than just survive them. I also learned that people come and go almost like seasons. That’s not a bad thing necessarily. We take from them what we need at that time and in return give them something that they needed. We are all connected in this experience that is life. I have fond memories of many people who touched my life in a big way. I realize that they probably don’t remember it or me. I don’t expect them to. I was only in their life for a brief moment. But those brief moments mean the world to me.

sun

This moment, I will cherish. For this moment is now a memory. One to be kept forever. – E